What Is Brightsiding (And Why It Can Hurt Instead of Help)
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We already know that living with chronic illness means that we carry a lot each day...the pain, anxiety, or fatigue that most people never have to deal with. So when someone responds to your very real struggles with “just stay positive!” or something similar, it can feel like you're being brushed aside and dismissed. I hear fellow spoonies all the time talk about how family, friends, co-workers, etc. do this to them (or ignore them all together) and it truly makes me sad. I get it because I've had it happen to me too.
So, what are we talking about? Well, its called brightsiding. It's a new term that I recently heard of and I thought that I would do a little digging and share more about it and what it means.
Now before we dive in, I'll be the first person to tell you that I am guilty of brightsiding (and not just once) throughout my life. I've learned a lot though these last few years and that's made me stop and think before I act. I guess that's one good thing that has come from all of my illnesses, right!? Its helped me evolve into a kinder and gentler person, well, at least most of the time, who actually listens and thinks before I open my mouth.
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☀️ Brightsiding, Explained Simply
Brightsiding is when someone tries to support you with forced positivity instead of understanding.
They often say things like:
- “Look on the bright side!”
- “At least you're not as bad as some people.”
- “Just think happy thoughts!”
- “Everything happens for a reason!”
And while they usually mean well and are trying to be helpful, it can feel like what you're going through is being ignored.
Sometimes, you don’t need pep talks, you just need someone to sit with you in your truth and say:
“What you’re going through matters. I’m here.”
🌿 Why Forced Positivity Can Hurt
Brightsiding might seem encouraging, but it can:
- Make you feel unseen or misunderstood
- Add guilt for not feeling positive enough
- Make you mask your real emotions
- Increase emotional and physical stress
And honestly....
When you're managing chronic illness, fatigue, brain fog, or pain, pretending to be okay takes energy you don’t always have. Am I right?
This is why many of us keep a few tools around that help us feel grounded and supported on tough days where we're already dealing with so much. Things I like to keep on hand are a cozy heavy blanket for comfort, a warm herbal tea to help soothe my nervous system, or even a quiet journal moment to process feelings before forcing myself to “cheer up.” In the end, I know that my mindset is what can help me get through the tough times I'm going through, but the truth is that we don’t need to bypass our feelings or downplay what we are going through. We just need a safe space to honor those thoughts and feels. And as I always say...it's okay to feel all the feels! Just don't stay stuck in the negative ones and get help if you're finding yourself stuck in that space.
💬 Supportive Responses vs. Brightsiding
| Situation | Brightsiding | Supportive Response |
|---|---|---|
| Someone says they’re exhausted from pain | “At least you got out of bed!” | “I’m proud of you for getting through today. Want to rest together on the couch?” (hello weighted blanket and cozy diffuser time 🌿🕯️) |
| Someone misses an event | “Well, you have to push yourself!” | “I understand. Let’s plan something restful for another day. Want to FaceTime in pajamas instead?” (cozy PJs + tea = yes please ☕🧸) |
| Someone vents about a doctor appointment | “Just be positive!” | “That sounds frustrating. Want to talk or do you need quiet rest time?” (sometimes healing looks like curling up with a heated blanket and a good book 📚✨) |
I've given a few examples of what brightsiding is as well as some suggestions on what not to say and also what to say instead. Here are some additional (and better) ways to support someone going through a lot right now. You can use these tips with anyone, not just someone battling a chronic illness. Just rephrase/replace to the situation at hand.
🌸 Better Ways to Support Someone (Without Toxic Positivity)
Instead of trying to “fix” someone’s feelings, the most supportive phrases are:
✅ “That sounds really difficult.”
✅ “I believe you.”
✅ “Thank you for trusting me with this.”
✅ “Do you want comfort or solutions right now?”
And sometimes the sweetest support is this:
“Let’s rest together. Want tea?”
It's often that my husband, will come in and just lay with me while I'm in pain and that small gesture means the world to me. He might cover me with a soft blanket, bring in a mug of tea, or even a cozy candle. Without speaking a word, these tiny things say:
I’m here for you.
💖 It’s Okay Not to Be Positive All the Time
I want you to know this....
You don’t always have to be upbeat.
You don’t have to “good vibes only” your way through real illness and pain.
It's okay to share that you have hard days because what you are going through is very real!
Some of your days may look like:
✨ Crying
✨ Resting
✨ Saying “today is hard”
✨ Using tools that bring comfort — like a calming candle, a cozy blanket, or a guided meditation
✨ Letting yourself be human
Your feelings don’t make you weak, they make you real.
💛 Final Reminder
Through my own journey, I've learned that toxic positivity or brightsiding isn’t always helpful to another person. Being present and just supporting them in whatever way they need is. I've also learned from being someone who has chronic illness that...
You don't need to sparkle your way through every storm you face.
You don’t need to be “strong” every moment.
You don’t need to be positive to be loved.
You deserve people and tools that support the truth of your journey and that means not just the sunny parts.
In case no one has told you this today, please know...
I see you.
You’re doing your best.
And that is more than enough. 🤍
In this together,
Laura